"It's not a broken arm, but I must take leave."

The past few months, my brain, has felt, broken.

Broken like the state of our economy.

Broken like our justice system.

Broken like our country's unity.

Broken.

I thought, for a while, that I could DIY it, that I could throw some fancy zebra duct tape, positive affirmations, and hot sauce on it and call it a day.

I thought that, if I waited it out, took a few extra naps, drank a few extra glasses of wine and told myself it would be okay, it would be.

Newsflash. It wasn't.

Everything was suffering; my body, my health, my nerves, my work, my relationships with others but most importantly- my relationship with myself.

I started to hate myself and more than I ever hated myself. That scared me. 

It took a quite a few bad decisions, terrible moments, and hard conversations to realize that this was going to take a village and that village very well could be a village of strangers, again. We had a "Humpty Dumpty" situation on our hands. Below are the steps in my mind, as I thought they would play out.

Step One: Tell my employer, whom I have never met in person, that I am not only taking leave, but also have bipolar disorder and am days away from a mental health crisis.

Step Two: Figure out the lie I would tell my team and direct reports as to not scare them but to keep them informed.

Step Three: Have little flexibility in fear of legal repercussions.

Step Four: Engage in program with deep shame and feel like a failed professional, again.

Now, what really transpired left me feeling like...

Because in reality;

Step One: Tell my employer, whom I have never met in person, that I am not only taking leave but also have bipolar disorder and am days away from a mental health crisis

Step Two: Cry happy tears when my employer validates my mental health condition and says the following, "Tell your staff whatever you would like. If you had a broken arm, you'd tell them you had a broken arm. Why is this any different? We are here to support you in whatever ways you need."

Step Three: Start making my own coverage plan and working hours to preserve my autonomy per orders of my supportive employer; including but not limited to what messaging to use with staff.

Step Four: Tell my direct reports that I have bipolar disorder and am taking leave to engage in proactive mental health treatment. 

Step Five: Do that and feel great.

I may not have had a broken arm, but I was broken and I am healing.

Stay tuned for details about the process.