What I Learned From A Harsh and Quick Case of the "Fuck It's"
What they don't tell you when you start to recover, is that you will fall down. Not once, not twice, but a million times before you hit your stride and it is in those little regressions that you learn the longest lasting lessons.
Falling down, can happen because you tripped and fell over a rock or simply because you weren't looking where you were going because you were distracted by the sunshine all around you. It's incredibly frustrating. It's frustrating because it seems to happen just when you start to feel good and it's in the moment when you trip and fall where you start to just say "fuck it" and that my friend's is how we coined the term, the "Fuck It's".
The "Fuck It's": When things are going well, you have one set back, and you decide to allow everything else to go wrong. You let one mistake become a million mistakes and convince yourself you are a failure and you are doomed.
Things that can happen during a nasty case of the "Fuck It's"
- Missed deadlines
- Excessive alcohol use
- Eating your feelings
- Unnecessary Amazon purchases
- Impulsive choices
- Conflict with friends, partners, and loved ones
- Withdrawal from activities
- Missed workouts
- Low self esteem
- You name it.
The most dangerous thing about the "Fuck It's" is that we kind of like them. We kind of like them because they feel safer than the good times, because the "Fuck It's" are what we are used to. We are more used to the chaos than the calm. We are uncomfortable sitting in the presence of our own success, calm, and queen so we allow the "Fuck it's" to creep back in. That's what I did, that's what I've done, a million times in my life as I'm sure you have done as well.
Lessons I've learned in my many bouts of the "Fuck It's"
1. I can NOT take shots. : I love them. I want them. They even love me. I can not have them. Shots to me are like a Pringles commercial. "Once you pop, the fun don't stop" until the fun do stop and it will stop.
2. I can NOT miss my medication. Not a single dose, not a single day. That means. No "Chad", I can't just spend the night at your house on a whim, I have to go home, OR I have to have a "go bag" in my car for spontaneous adventures.
3. I can NOT pull all nighters. I have to sleep. Me not sleeping is an invitation to an inpatient stay and delusions.
4. I will gain weight OR lose weight in a dramatic and unhealthy fashion dramatically if I am not careful so I have to plan meals, plan workouts, and not binge eat pizza when I'm stressed (sorry, Dominoes)
5. I. HAVE to function with routines; daily, weekly, monthly. When I don't; I fail. period.
6. I can NOT miss therapy.
7. I HAVE to be honest with my friends, family, and romantic partners about my feelings and my journey. When I'm not, I build fortresses of isolation.
8. I have to accept my diagnosis and that it is going to be an immense amount of work to remain healthy. This. This is the hardest part. Accepting that being okay, is going to take a lot. A lot of planning, acceptance, time, hard work, and persistence on a near daily basis.
9. Most importantly, I have to accept that everyday is not going to be perfect and neither will I, but I can't let the "fuck it's" take me, and I don't have to.
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